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About Traditional Art / Professional Member Kimberly (aka Kookie)27/Female/Canada Recent Activity
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How are you guys? DA doesn't seem very alive these days. I still check it everyday, but when it comes to journal writing, I am a little laggy. Sorry about that.

Lots has went on in the life of Kookie. I've got a list of sculptures that I am working on at the moment. Most of them from prior commitments and prizes for contests. But after this, I am taking a break from the sculpting world and playing around with other mediums. I've been dabbling in painting bones and other objects, henna, and yarn painting. None of it will probably ever be as exciting as the polymer clay that I have been using for the last six or seven years, but... I don't think anything will be.

It's hard having potential locked inside of a brain that lacks any luster or motivation. I am reminded of this almost every single day. I heard it today at work from a stranger that had been talking to my boss (apparently I am a topic of conversation) - "You're so talented! You just need to... let it out, you know?". It kills me to hear this. It kills me to hear how people think I am this incredibly talented person, yet I've been struggling to make ends meet for my entire young adult life. I've never made more than minimum wage - employers love to tell you how much potential you have, pay you in peanuts, and bleed your creativity dry. They love people with no self-esteem, because they know that you'll do anything to prove yourself. And when it comes to being a self-employed artist, well - the saying "starving artist" exists for a reason. I've been struggling. When people tell me how much I need to break out of my shell and do MORE, it hurts. Because I can't.

I'm down to sculpting only once a week or two. I barely meet deadlines. And that is why I stopped taking commissions, really - it's because I just can't do it anymore. I've been miserable since I was a teenager, and that probably won't ever change. When I first started sculpting, it was a release, but after years of taking commissions and trying to make a living out of it, I feel as if I have been sucked dry. But in a way, I feel a little relief because I feel like pieces of me - pieces of a former different self - are scattered throughout the globe. People own past glimpses of my happiness. They hold it in their hands, and that brings me a little peace.

Creating things in my own time without the deadlines is another story. They may not sell as well as commissions do (people like control in the designs of things), but I enjoy it a lot more, which is what I have settled on. And I am content with that. I can live with that.

I've learned to live with this constant melancholy - some days it is even bearable - those are the days I can create something, but most of the time I am just neutral, which can go either way for creating something out of it. It's the down and out days that I can't create anything.

I sometimes find it impossible to get excited about anything. It's a struggle. In a way, I miss being a teenager - the turbulence and the life-or-death reaction to everything. Feeling everything so deeply that you felt it in your bones. Hacking at myself and feeling that adrenaline rush, then immediately regretting it. Some of those scars are ten years old, now...

Now, I am a dull and lifeless twenty-seven year old that barely feels nothing at all.

I don't really talk to anyone, and can go weeks without talking to a friend or an acquaintance. When I go out, I generally go out myself or with my partner of five years, who is realistically the only person that I can stand for long periods of time. That, and my Mother whom I visit once a week to hang out and do crafty things or watch old movies. I wouldn't dare say any of this to Facebook land, where my friends and family and acquaintances and co-workers are. DA, regardless of the fact that it has become very baron, is still my home, and it is full of people that I would rather talk to. And I haven't even met you or seen your faces. But I think it's easier that way. Sometimes it's easier to think and type and backspace than talk and think only to say stupid things.

Anyways, that's enough for now. Sorry for reality...

Current listening: Dead Can Dance's "Spleen & Ideal" album.

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Comments


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:iconillydragonfly:
IllyDragonfly Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2014   Writer
Hi, did you see this great work?
The strange cupcake made me think of your works! :heart:
papaninja.deviantart.com/art/V…
Reply
:iconmonsterkookies:
monsterkookies Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
I love it :D
Reply
:iconsoulsold2rocknroll:
SoulSold2RockNRoll Featured By Owner May 29, 2014  Student Artist
A piece of your art work was featured here : fav.me/d7k8h95 :) :heart: :rose:
Reply
:iconmonsterkookies:
monsterkookies Featured By Owner May 30, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
Hooray! :D
Reply
:iconsoulsold2rocknroll:
SoulSold2RockNRoll Featured By Owner May 31, 2014  Student Artist
Yay :la:
Reply
:iconashdancer:
Ashdancer Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2014   General Artist
Happiest of birthdays!
Reply
:iconmonsterkookies:
monsterkookies Featured By Owner May 2, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
Thanks! :)
Reply
:iconandrewbig:
andrewbig Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2014  Student Artisan Crafter
Happy Birthday!
Reply
:iconmonsterkookies:
monsterkookies Featured By Owner May 2, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
Thank-you :)
Reply
:iconx-akame-x:
x-Akame-x Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2014
Happy Birthday! ^^
Reply
:iconmonsterkookies:
monsterkookies Featured By Owner May 2, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
Thanks! :D
Reply
:iconfatalpotato:
FatalPotato Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2014  Student Artisan Crafter
Happy day of birth!  I love your sculpts.  :)
Reply
:iconmonsterkookies:
monsterkookies Featured By Owner May 2, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
Thank-you very much! <3
Reply
:icontmi999:
TMI999 Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2014  Student General Artist
Happy Birthday!
Reply
:iconmonsterkookies:
monsterkookies Featured By Owner May 2, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
Thanks!
Reply
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